Do you hate human interaction? But you’re allergic to cats? Have you resorted to a boring pet goldfish?
Well, your days of loneliness are over. A pet rock is the answer.
PET ROCKS ARE THE ANSWER TO LIFE.
Seriously. They’re really awesome.
“What exactly IS a pet rock?” you might ask. Well a pet rock isn’t just a pet or a rock; a pet rock is your friend <3
They are the ideal companions for the socially impaired.
Well, your days of loneliness are over. A pet rock is the answer.
PET ROCKS ARE THE ANSWER TO LIFE.
Seriously. They’re really awesome.
“What exactly IS a pet rock?” you might ask. Well a pet rock isn’t just a pet or a rock; a pet rock is your friend <3
They are the ideal companions for the socially impaired.
First, how do you choose the pet rock that’s perfect for you?
“You don’t,” explains an anonymous expert. “You let the rock choose you.” Once you’ve made the deep connection between you and your pet, you need to personalize your rock and make it your own. You’ll find that rocks can stay still and calm for extraordinarily long periods of time while you vandalize them. Maybe you can even give the gift of sight to your rock with a couple googly eyes :’D
After you’ve left your mark on your rock, he/she needs a name. One syllable names will usually suffice. For the purpose of this explanation, we’re going to name the rock Joe.
Now, Joe needs a home. A simple cardboard house will do, but make sure to include windows so that he can look outside when he gets bored. Since Joe is unfortunately paralyzed, make sure to place him right in front of the window. Furthermore, rocks are very sensitive creatures, and in order avoid sleep deprivation, a comfy bed is needed. Grass or straw beds are very popular and Joe will really want one.
Joe doesn’t really have any other basic needs. Because of his extremely slow metabolism, he doesn’t need to be fed. If he’s really desperate, he can find his own food. Rocks can be very aggressive when hungry (though this is not yet scientifically proven).
Even with all this, Joe can get really lonely. A healthy relationship with your pet rock requires at least an hour of play time a day. Making sure to properly cushion and protect your new friend, who will hopefully not fall on to the ground and shatter, bring Joe to school and introduce him to your other human friends. This will make Joe a very happy rock :’)
However, if you are a heartless human being who can’t even spend a few hours a day with your rock, you can find him another friend. For this demonstration, let’s name Rock #2 Bob. Rocks are actually really intelligent beings. They probably communicate using some kind of super advanced rock technology that wes can’t yet detect (once again this is not scientifically proven) Joe and Bob will probably become really close friends.
Joe: Hi! My name is Joe! I’m a rock! Look at my rockness!
Bob: Oh. I’m Bob. I’m a rock too.
Joe: OMG YOU’RE THE FIRST ROCK I’VE EVER MET THIS IS SUCH A REVOLUTIONARY EXPERIENCE FOR ME
Bob: OH OKAY LET’S BE BEST FRIENDS
See. I told you.
It’s okay to feel left out because rocks are cooler than humans. It’s normal for them to ignore you in the awesomeness of themselves/each other, so don’t be alarmed or think your rock is dead when he/she doesn’t respond to you.
Rocks are immortal. Joe and Bob will never die.
Why grow up to be an old cat lady when you can be a rock lady?
(Or I guess you could actually get a life but seriously get a pet rock).
For more information on how to care for your pet rock, click here
“You don’t,” explains an anonymous expert. “You let the rock choose you.” Once you’ve made the deep connection between you and your pet, you need to personalize your rock and make it your own. You’ll find that rocks can stay still and calm for extraordinarily long periods of time while you vandalize them. Maybe you can even give the gift of sight to your rock with a couple googly eyes :’D
After you’ve left your mark on your rock, he/she needs a name. One syllable names will usually suffice. For the purpose of this explanation, we’re going to name the rock Joe.
Now, Joe needs a home. A simple cardboard house will do, but make sure to include windows so that he can look outside when he gets bored. Since Joe is unfortunately paralyzed, make sure to place him right in front of the window. Furthermore, rocks are very sensitive creatures, and in order avoid sleep deprivation, a comfy bed is needed. Grass or straw beds are very popular and Joe will really want one.
Joe doesn’t really have any other basic needs. Because of his extremely slow metabolism, he doesn’t need to be fed. If he’s really desperate, he can find his own food. Rocks can be very aggressive when hungry (though this is not yet scientifically proven).
Even with all this, Joe can get really lonely. A healthy relationship with your pet rock requires at least an hour of play time a day. Making sure to properly cushion and protect your new friend, who will hopefully not fall on to the ground and shatter, bring Joe to school and introduce him to your other human friends. This will make Joe a very happy rock :’)
However, if you are a heartless human being who can’t even spend a few hours a day with your rock, you can find him another friend. For this demonstration, let’s name Rock #2 Bob. Rocks are actually really intelligent beings. They probably communicate using some kind of super advanced rock technology that wes can’t yet detect (once again this is not scientifically proven) Joe and Bob will probably become really close friends.
Joe: Hi! My name is Joe! I’m a rock! Look at my rockness!
Bob: Oh. I’m Bob. I’m a rock too.
Joe: OMG YOU’RE THE FIRST ROCK I’VE EVER MET THIS IS SUCH A REVOLUTIONARY EXPERIENCE FOR ME
Bob: OH OKAY LET’S BE BEST FRIENDS
See. I told you.
It’s okay to feel left out because rocks are cooler than humans. It’s normal for them to ignore you in the awesomeness of themselves/each other, so don’t be alarmed or think your rock is dead when he/she doesn’t respond to you.
Rocks are immortal. Joe and Bob will never die.
Why grow up to be an old cat lady when you can be a rock lady?
(Or I guess you could actually get a life but seriously get a pet rock).
For more information on how to care for your pet rock, click here