Being a deer is tough, especially in the winter months.
All you two-legged humans living in those big houses of yours while we freeze out here in the woods.
YOU GUYS ARE WEAK.
PFT THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY.
But seriously, it's so cold.
There used to be this guy named Bob.
Some annoying human decided to build a snowman and give it a plastic nose. Since we were all starving and stuff, we were eating anything we could find.
It didn't even look like a real carrot.
Bob just couldn't stop himself. He was also kind of stupid.
Rest In Peace Bob </3
Just kidding. I hated Bob. I'm glad he's dead.
Anyway, being the advanced deer that we are, we believe in the one true religion . We call it "Deerism".
Under Deerism, all deer are considered equal. We are all one.
Have you noticed that when referring to multiple deer, they're called "deer" and not "deers"?
Yup. That's why.
Deerism right there.
Deerism also states that there is a Supreme Deer who guards us and protects us.
Except, this winter, the Supreme Deer decided to take a vacation.
I think he went to Miami.
We were all really sad.
Monday was St. Patrick's Day.
Every year, around this time, we have a seasonal ritual.
To ensure a nice Spring with lots of grass and magical dandelions, we appease the gods with a sacrifice.
Yes, I understand the Aztecs did that, too. They so copied us.
Today was the official Drawing of the Names.
(It's a ceremony used to see who gets sacrificed and who gets to live another year.)
Well, that is, who gets to live until another big metal carriage kills one of us off.
Stupid ignorant humans.
Walking on their two feet. They think they're better than everyone else.
JUST WAIT. WHEN ALL THEIR HOUSES AND WEAPONS ARE DESTROYED, WE WILL BE PREPARED >:D
Anyway, humans aren't worthy of our attention. Let's talk about me :D
This year was the first year I got entered into the Drawing basket.
I crossed my imaginary fingers as Effie Trinket drew the slips of paper out of her basket.
Steve the contortionist deer was the only one who had somehow found a way to cross his hooves.
He started laughing at me and my non-existing crossing.
*Please pick Steve Please pick Steve* I prayed. *No one likes him anyway*
Nope.
It's me.
Of course.
Figures.
I was taken to the Lake of Magicalness.
"The new guillotine is fast and painless!" they claimed, as they brought the blade down.
Yeah.
When it's not made by deer AND ACTUALLY WORKS.
I didn't actually die from it, considering how the blade was made of pinecones.
It was so cool. My neck hurt, but hey, that's okay.
I AM A SURVIVOR.
It was so great.
I went down next to the water to take a drink of water to congratulate myself.
Except then, I looked up to see an invisible comet heading straight for me.
Darn it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey what's that by the water?"
"I dunno. Looks like a log. With ketchup."
"WAIT I THINK IT'S A DEAD DEER."
"Oh cool! Let's go take selfies with it!"
"What do you think killed it?"
"Maybe it was a crocodile."
"Yes. Definitely. There are totally crocodiles in ponds in New Jersey."
"Shush and let me dream."
"...You know, this deer is actually really gross. Let's go back to school."
"Okay."
"Bye deer."